


It's Not Easy Being Death

by QueerCosette



Category: Original Work
Genre: Death, Humor, Inspired By Tumblr, Inspired by Art, Screenplay/Script Format, Theatre
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:00:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26111506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueerCosette/pseuds/QueerCosette
Summary: Once a month, the Death Deities meet to discuss their plans for running the underworld. Only this time, they've had a bit of stressful morning - what with resuscitation, unauthorised portals into hell, and an overly playful hellhound puppy...An original five-scene play featuring the Grim reaper singing Bring Me To Life that I wrote for my Higher Drama exam and am now free to share.





	It's Not Easy Being Death

** Characters **

**Grimmy –** the Grim Reaper. A tall figure who wears his cloak at all times (even in the shower), whose job is to guide the souls of the dead to their correct destination, and who values his Me Time. Has a preference for fluffy novelty slippers.

**Lucifer –** Satan. Extremely world weary, presides over the special place in the Underworld reserved for evildoers. Finds it difficult to accept that he’s simply no good at DIY woodwork, and has a preference for plaid trousers.

**Hades –** the Greek God of Death. Rather camp, constantly stressed out, a dog person.

**Cerberus –** Hades’ three-headed dog. Extremely playful, still a puppy at this point.

**Ding-Dong-Ditchers –** those who have nearly died but have been resuscitated in the nick of time. Their souls have a tendency to ring the Grim Reaper’s doorbell and then run away. A pun on the phrase “when Death comes knocking”.

**Fallers –** people who have fallen through the portals to Hell – unusually deep puddles, sinkholes, faulty videogame graphics etc.

** Scene 1 **

_A dark room. Lucifer and Hades sit at a table, with Cerberus on the floor at Hades’ feet. Grimmy rushes in from offstage, carrying his scythe and wearing fluffy red slippers with devil faces on them under his robes._

**Grimmy:** Sorry I’m late! You know how it is, humans getting better at resuscitation, loads of extra paperwork – I’ve had a really stressful morning!

**Lucifer:** Well, you’re here now, and that’s what matters. Shall we begin? Yes? I hereby call this meeting of the Death Deities’ Society to order! Also, your slippers are nice! And a little offensive…

**Hades:** Hang on, Lucy.

**Lucifer:** _Lucifer._

**Hades:** Got it, Lucy. Anyway, there is _no way_ Grimmy’s morning was more stressful than mine!

**Lucifer:** [to himself] Why do I even bother? [to the others] Although, my morning was pretty stressful too!

**Hades:** Ooh! [in a sing-song voice] _Share Circle!_

**Grimmy:** I call first!

**Lucifer:** I call second!

**Hades:** _Damn!_

**Grimmy:** It all started when I was in the shower…

_Blackout._

** Scene 2 **

_Grimmy is in the shower. On the other side of the stage is a door. His scythe rests next to the door, and his slippers are next to the shower._

**Grimmy:** _Wake me up inside!_

_Wake me up inside!_

_Call my name and save me from the dark!_

_The first Ding-Dong-Ditcher enters, rings the doorbell, and runs offstage again._

**Grimmy:** _Bid my blood to run_ – hang on, I’ll be there in a moment!

_He turns off the shower, steps into his slippers, and goes to answer the door._

**Grimmy:** Aww man, not more Ding-Dong-Ditchers! Ugh!

_He shuts the door, steps out of his slippers and gets back in the shower._

**Grimmy:** _Before I come undone!_

_Save me from the nothing I’ve become!_

_The second Ding-Dong-Ditcher enters, rings the doorbell, and runs offstage again. Grimmy sighs and goes to answer the door again._

**Grimmy:** Really? Again? This isn’t funny, you know!

_He goes back to his shower._

**Grimmy:** _Bring me to life!_

_Bring me to life!_

_The third Ding-Dong-Ditcher rings the doorbell and goes to run away, but is very slow._

**Grimmy:** Alright, that is _it_!

_He puts on his slippers and runs out of the door, grabbing the Ditcher roughly by the shoulder._

**Grimmy:** _What_ is y’all’s deal today? I’m trying to take a shower!

**Ditcher:** I’m so sorry! But not really. You see, I was about to die, but then I didn’t die, which is weird, but you know what? Defibrillators are wonderful, wonderful things! Honestly, the advancement of science these days is just _so great!_

**Grimmy:** [wearily] Ugh, just go.

_The Ditcher exits. Grimmy checks his watch and groans._

**Grimmy:** Aaaaand now I’m late for the meeting.

_He grabs his scythe and exits, not noticing he’s still wearing the slippers._

_Blackout._

** Scene 3 **

_Red light._

_A crowd of people fill Hell. Lucifer pushes through the crowd to the front._

**Lucifer:** Why are there so many people here?

**Faller:** Well, I don’t know about the rest of them, but I fell through the hole in the ceiling.

**Lucifer:** Near the Murderer Pit?

_The Faller nods._

**Lucifer:** Aww, man, I thought I’d patched that one up. Damn portals to Hell!

_In the background, there is a scream followed by a crash and an “Ouch!”_

**Faller:** That’ll be another one.

**Lucifer:** [crossing his fingers] _Not by the Dark Ninja Cage, Not by the Dark Ninja Cage…_

_In the background there is a scream of “Aaaagh! Ninjas!” followed by Ninja sound effects. Lucifer groans._

_Blackout._

** Scene 4 **

_Blue light._

_Cerberus sits in the middle of the stage. One head is chewing on a rolled up piece of paper, which is covered in green saliva. Hades enters from stage left._

**Hades:** Where did I put that list? I know I left it around here somewhere…

_He notices the piece of paper Cerberus is chewing._

**Hades:** Aah crap. Cerberus! Cerby! Drop the list, boys! Come on, Daddy needs to fill his daily soul quota… Seriously, boys, I need to put 28,000 souls in the river today and it won’t happen unless I have that list! Give it!

_Hades chases Cerberus around the stage, trying to get the list back. After 30 seconds there is a blackout._

** Scene 5 **

_A dark room. Grimmy, Lucifer and Hades sit at a table, with Cerberus on the floor at Hades’ feet._

**Grimmy:** So did you ever get the list back?

**Hades:** Yeah…

_Hades pulls out a chewed, slobbery piece of paper covered in Cerberus’ green saliva._

**Hades:** And I’ve got another 5460 souls to go before I meet that Zeus-damn quota!

**Lucifer:** I’m guessing you’re regretting rushing into adopting a hellhound puppy, then?

_Hades looks shocked._

**Hades:** Not at _all_! Drooly lists and green saliva aside, he’s just the cutest little thing! Aren’t you?

_Hades gets out of his seat and kneels next to Cerberus, cooing over him._

**Hades:** Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? You are! And you! And you!

**Lucifer:** But… they’re all the same dog.

_Grimmy consolingly pats Lucifer’s shoulder._

**Grimmy:** Don’t fight it. Just go with it.

**Hades:** [firmly] _Good. Boys_.

_Blackout._

**End.**


End file.
